Found in Translation

I finally got my hands on a bootleg copy of the Parent-to-Toddler Dictionary (never mind the particulars; I don't want to drag anyone else into the anarchy of the Secret Toddler Underground) and let me just say... I've been blind, and now I see!

Who knew that to a toddler, "Use your fork, please" means "Dip a green bean in your milk and stuff it up your nose"? This changes everything!

I'll be a much better mom knowing that "It's time to put your tea set away" means "Hurl yourself against the glass-front fireplace. Twice."

"I have to let go of your hand to unlock the car, so I need you to stand right here while I do that. DO NOT MOVE." means "Run, Child! Run like the wind!"

"Where's your bib?" means "Would you be so kind as to rummage through the kitchen drawers until you find a rusty antique pickle fork, and then comb your eyebrows with it?"

"Yucky! Don't put that in your mouth." means "Cram it into mine while I'm talking."
(variation - "Honey, don't rip pages out of your book." means "Rip pages out of mine instead.")

"This part of mass is called the Homily." means “Mama has a scrambled egg in her pocket. Don't be fooled by her whispered denials. Just keep shouting "egg now!" until she gives it to you."

Now I'm ready to face the day. (Wait! I'd better look that up. Yep, here it is: "Call Mama to your crib, wrap your little arms tightly around her neck, and vomit."

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood