March 15, 2018

March 07, 2018

Musings on a Middle Schooler

The same kid who laughs to the point of tears at YouTubers making absolute fools of themselves for millions of strangers will die a thousand deaths if I quietly hum along to the radio while driving carpool.

Comments on a Middler's appearance - even positive ones - will be met with suspicion and a change of clothes.

Every school day is a 7-hour competition. For everything.

When summoned to help un-freeze a Chromebook, shrink a pair of black leggings, inflate a basketball, confirm a spelling, sign a permission slip, or write a check, I will be dismissed the very instant I'm no longer needed.

Most days your brain and your body don't speak the same language.

Feed, hug, praise, question, expect, reassure. Repeat.

What do you notice about your Middler?

March 02, 2018

You on a Crack Pipe

I get up early every Thanksgiving morning. No, not to cook. To run a 2.5 mile Turkey Trot with you. Regardless of the snow, the holiday, and the fact that I am no kind of runner, I rouse you (sleepy, regretful you), stuff power bars in my sleeves, smile, cheer, and act like there's nothing I'd rather be doing.

I shiver in long lines for my turn at a smelly port-a-potty and prick my freezing fingers on our race bib pins. And even though you sand bag me every year and kick it on the final stretch like a terrified gazelle, I know I'll do it again next year and the year after that and the year after that. Because I never want to find you on the end of a crack pipe.

I've sorted, collated, and stapled nearly 10,000 pages of Scholastic Books fliers. I have convincingly feigned interest in My Little Pony, Star Trek, Minecraft, and Logan Paul. No one can tell I'm fake laughing at those not-at-all funny "Try Not to Laugh" videos you love. I've smeared enough peanut butter and sunflower seeds on enough pine cones to feed all the birds in all the world for the next 50 years. I once wore a hand painted macaroni and yarn necklace to a job interview because you made it for me. And homemade Slime. Yeah...

You asked me to join Kuk Sool Won (Korean martial art) with you, so I parked my pride on the shelf and became an adult newbie in a class of 8 year-old black belts who could take my head off if they wanted to. The only one in class with a bursitic shoulder and a torn up knee. The only one with hips, whose dobok fits snugly across their butt. Because I never want to find you on the end of a crack pipe.

I have researched whether or not jelly fish have eyes (they do), elephants can jump (they can't), and if the outer shell of a jelly bean is made from the same stuff as the inner bean (it's not). I have filled entire spreadsheets with detailed cost-benefit comparisons of different Nerf guns.

I've lost sleep over finding black pants for your school concerts - black pants that aren't denim, aren't leggings, aren't a polyester-elastic-waistband reject from the Grandma factory, and don't look like something your father or an LPGA pro would wear to work. Because I never want to find you on the end of a crack pipe.

I have solemnly dug graves for road kill frogs. Examined rabbit poop under a microscope. Pureed bushels of leaves for baby caterpillars. Tracked slime trails along the kitchen cabinets to find the snails you liberated from the fish tank. (Speaking of fish, I once spent a guilt-ridden week babysitting a few hundred newly hatched goldfish the size of eyelashes and flushing them one ladle full at a time as they fell victim to my inability.)

All this I've done of my own free will. I invest myself in you because I'm your mom and I love you. And you don't owe me anything in return. Regardless of how much you love me and no matter how close we are, most of the decisions you make in your life will be made with your interests in mind, not mine. I knew that going in.

What I mean by all this is I hope I've given enough. I hope you know you belong. I hope you've felt my strength and cultivated your own. I hope you see how much you matter. I hope you realize that the collective existence would be diminished without you in it. I hope I've shown you how to create enough of what's beautiful and true that you never fall for less. I hope you understand that you have within you everything you need.

Being your mother is an honor and a joy that takes my breath away. And I never want to find you on the end of a crack pipe.

February 28, 2018

Salt of the Earth

Hey, Mom?
Wanna know my favorite thing about playing on the dirt pile?
Sure, Pal.
When I'm in the dirt, nothing's complicated. I just dig and think.

February 27, 2018

I'm Just Not That Into Me

For most of my life I've had a casual attitude toward my appearance (ginormous understatement). I wear makeup very occasionally and shoes only for school functions and church. My kids have had friends since preschool who still don't recognize me without my pajamas.

My skin care routine is simple. If there's something on my face, I wipe it off with whatever's handy. Good to go.

I'm still not sure why, but I recently gave into an impulse and bought a full suite of skin care products. When I first saw the pristine jars nestled in their organic packing material, I thought, "Yeah! I should pamper myself a little bit. This will be nice." Then I looked at the directions.
1. Wash face and pat dry.
2. Using a circular motion, apply Deep Renewal Serum to entire face. Allow to absorb completely (15 minutes).
3. With a light touch, apply Instant Effects around eyes. Allow to absorb completely (15 minutes).
4. Using gentle upward sweeps, apply Neck Renewal to neck. Allow to absorb completely (15 minutes).
5. Apply Refresh and Radiate to entire face. Allow to absorb completely (15 minutes).
6. For best results repeat twice daily.

For real? The absorption time alone adds up to an hour-long gig, and I'm supposed to do it twice a day? Yeah, right. But since the money was spent I decided to give it a whirl.

Well, it's been 10 days, and I've done the whole routine only 9 times. I've missed e-l-e-v-e-n times!

The 15 minutes between steps is tough to manage. I'm rarely available 15 minutes after the last time I was available. I apply something and then I get on a conference call or drive a kiddo somewhere or work on a client project and by the time I remember my next application, half the day is gone, which makes the "twice daily" element a real challenge. I've had to set my alarm for 3 different times in the night to get all my potions on.

I don't dig having stuff on my face. Knowing it's on there makes me itch, and if I scratch my cheek I don't know if I should reapply the last potion to that section or just wait for the next one. I don't want to go through all these shenanigans and be left with one cheek that's less revitalized than the other.

And watching the clock for my next application. Staring at myself in the mirror. The circular motion and the upward sweeps. It feels so... self-absorbed. Not my thing.

Yes, I do realize I'm walking away from walking the years back, and I'm not going to achieve my full radiance potential. I'll happily settle for less than dewy perfection because frankly, I'm just not that into me.

February 15, 2018

Goldfish in My Freezer

I have dead goldfish in my freezer. Two of them. Suspended in ice side by side in little plastic containers. We're waiting for the spring thaw so we can bury them out back next to Lucky the unlucky turtle and Milo the canary.

My husband thinks it's creepy. The kids find it comforting. I'm uneasy. I worry that it's disrespectful to Goldie and Oscar. Their eyes accuse me every time I reach over them for the frozen peas.

February 11, 2018

It's Enough With the "Good Job" Already

Out with a friend yesterday, we stopped in the bathroom to wash our hands before lunch. In the few minutes that took, my friend bestowed 6... yes, six... "good job"s on her little girl.

One for turning the faucet on. Good job!
One for holding her hand under the automatic soap dispenser and catching the soap. Good job!
One for rubbing her hands together to create a lather. Good job!
One for successfully rinsing said lather off her hands. Good job!
One for tugging a paper towel from the dispenser. Good job!
One for throwing the paper towel in the trash bin. Good job!

I believe she had good intentions. I believe she was trying to encourage her daughter's independence. The problem is that over-praising does the opposite. It fosters dependence by setting the expectation of Behavior = Reward. When you do XYZ, I reward you with praise. You do, then I give. Over-praising fixes an external locus of control. You rely on me to validate you. (What happens if I'm not there or I'm talking to someone else, or I'm too tired or not in the mood to slap a Good job! on you?)

Of course praise can be motivating, and there's nothing wrong with giving it. But much of the value is in the judiciousness of the offering. If everything our children do is praised, the praise means less. And besides, who wants to constantly monitor every micro-move their kid makes and comment on it?

Tie and re-tie your shoes until you get it right? Good for you. Drill your math facts while waiting for the bus? Good use of your time. Dig deep, tough it out, buck up, push through, never say die? Good job! But rinse your hands? Tear a paper towel? I see that as learning self-care. It's important and necessary, but it's also expected; for most kiddos, it's not a function of exceptional effort.

I'm sure I've heaped unearned praise on my kids from time to time. (It's hard not to when their very existence is a daily marvel.) I'm a work in progress, and I've become much better at stopping myself.

The turning point for me was at a playground several years ago. I actually heard a little boy say, "Look Mommy! I'm good jobbing!" I kid you not. This little boy had no idea what he was doing well, but he was certain he was.

Stop. The. Madness.

June 21, 2013

Summer. The Season of Yes.

Summer... the season of yes. "Yes" to nothing but berries for breakfast. "Yes" to wading in the lake with your clothes on. "Yes" to getting out of bed two hours after bedtime because you saw fireflies through your window and want to chase them in the back yard. "Yes" to all day on the dirt pile, fresh dandelions for the bunnies, and sitting on the hot driveway watching an ice cube melt on your leg. Yes, yes, yes. Summer is here. Oh, yes. Sally

November 02, 2010

Happy Birthday Memorial

Today is my mother-in-law's birthday. Although she's no longer alive to celebrate it, I will always remember this as the day she was born.

Below is the eulogy I delivered at her funeral in June of 2007. I miss her very much and think of her every day. Thank you for celebrating her birthday with me.

My mother-in-law’s favorite song was The Girl From Ipanema. It's a beautiful bossa nova song that tells of a young woman's daily walk through town to the ocean, and how everyone who saw her was struck by her vibrance and carefree attitude.

The song was first popular at a wonderful time in Louise’s life, when she herself was that girl... a happy, carefree young woman whose faith and family were the center of her life. She lived near her parents and her sister Jean and a large assortment of cousins, aunts, and uncles.

Almost every weekend someone celebrated a birthday or a wedding or a baptism or a first communion... there was always a party in the works, and Louise loved parties.

She often walked along the water at Charlotte Beach eating ice cream and talking with her friends or meeting new people.

Louise was a newlywed at the time. She and Louie were introduced by her friend Agnes, and they married in May of 1959, when Louise was just 20 years old.

As the years unfolded, Louise took great pride in being a mother and homemaker. She was an excellent cook. She carefully selected the finest furnishings for her home. She was extremely fashion-conscious, and she made sure that her two sons, David and Dennis, were raised in the Catholic faith.

Even when time and circumstance took the vitality from Louise's earthly body, she held onto her youthful spirit. She never stopped seeing herself as the girl in the song, even when the rest of us did.

When someone is ill for a long period of time, as Louise was, the illness requires so much of us that it's easy to lose sight of the person living the life. But we gathered at the funeral home last night, and we're here today, to celebrate the person that Louise was, so I'd like to recall that with you.

Louise's favorite colors were pink and orange. The brighter the better.

Her favorite season was summer. It was never too hot for her.

Louise never drank milk. She liked her coffee cold. And her favorite drink was pineapple soda.

She was fascinated with the pyramids, and she loved Egyptian art.

She was a tireless shopper. One of her favorite pastimes was searching out the perfect gift for someone she cared about.

She also loved watching old movies, and she had perfect recall of Hollywood trivia from the 40's and 50's.

Louise was most content with her mother’s cooking, a good cup of coffee and her family around her.

Louise brought my husband into the world, and I will always love her for that.

A few days ago we packed up my mother-in-law’s belongings, and at one point I was overcome with sadness, and I asked God, “How did this happen? Where did her life go? How can it be that it all comes down to a pink hairbrush and half a lipstick?”

Then I opened the top drawer of her nightstand and I saw the collection of birthday cards, prayer cards, Mother’s Day cards, Christmas, Easter and “Just Thinking of You” cards that we had given Louise over the years. She kept them within reach of her bed, so that even when she could no longer get out of bed, she held her family close.

Then one of the nurses who had cared for Louise came into the room with tears and a big hug and told me how much she was going to miss Louise. Then another came in, and another, and another… and within a few minutes the room was full of people eager to share their favorite story of my mother-in-law or recount the last conversation they had with her or tell me how much Louise enjoyed the weekly visits with her family.

I believe that was God's reminder that Louise's life has not ended. It has merely changed form.

I like to think that now that she is relieved of the illness and physical suffering that marked her last years, my mother-in-law is free to once again be young and vibrant and carefree... the girl from Ipanema.

Happy Birthday, Mom B. We miss you!

August 19, 2010

I Was Wrong. I Admit It.

Boys and girls are different in many ways.

"Picky eaters" aren't always created by indulgent parenting. Sometimes they really are born selective.

A determined 17 month-old can scale a 12-foot maple tree.

I do have love and time and room for two kids.

Climbing the stairs, turning around, sliding down on your belly, and doing it all again is, in fact, a splendid way to spend an hour.

A 17 month-old who can scale a 12-foot maple tree can also manage to reach a full carton of eggs on the far side of the back seat without ever unbuckling his car seat.

A five year-old who understands what a tampon dispenser is may not understand that we don't ask every stranger who comes in "Do you need to use a tampon today?"

Life can be this good.

June 21, 2010

Simon Definitely Doesn't Say

I thought the best thing about playing Paul Simon in the car was hearing my almost five year-old belt out, If ya took all the girls I knew when I was single... and brought 'em all together for one night...

Then she hit the chorus:
Mama, don't take my boat home,
Mama, don't take my boat home,
Mama, don't take my boat home awaaaaay.

Another priceless moment.

November 10, 2009

What's Up?

My book is finished and in production, and as a result, I've been spending most of my time on website and

On the homefront, life with two kidlets is so very different from life with one. Richer in every way except the checkbook :)

Make a great day,


October 29, 2009

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like Good Hygiene

"Nothing says 'I love you' like good hygiene." That's what the latest Target coupon flier tells me. A coupon flier I never requested be put in my mailbox.

I'm also told that "Anxiety and laundry detergent should be strangers to one another" and that "Moisturizing is like a vacation for your skin".

Who is writing this junk?! And more importantly, are there any women who actually buy into this ridiculous, insulting, condescending style of marketing?

I don't know who Target's target customer base is, but if they're targeting me, they've missed the mark by a mile.

Oops, do I sound bitter? Perhaps I should heed the gospel according to Target and open up a bottle of Snuggle. After all, "Sometimes happiness is as simple as a good fabric softener."


July 29, 2009

This Should Go Without Saying

1. Never, ever, ever put a lid on a box with your sister inside it.

2. Please don't glue beads to your brother's penis.
Even if he says it's OK.

3. No, you may not touch the ceiling fan while it's spinning to see if it will really chop your finger off. Assume that it will.

4. It's poop, Child! What did you think it would taste like?

5. Which of the following are things you may not do or play with even if all of your friends are allowed to and I'm the meanest mother on the planet and I don't understand anything?
a. BB gun
b. trampoline
c. pierce or tattoo your own or anyone else's body
d. anything stupid
e. all of the above
The correct answer is E. Thank you for playing.