June 28, 2018

I Love Everything About Pets
Except Having Them

Every morning while the coffee brews I change the birds' water and feed the fish & bunnies. I like to start my day with the animals and leave the afternoon and night pet duty to the kids. I like it for the first 30 seconds or so. The pet chore routine is like one of those self-inflating life rafts. It doesn't seem like much until you pull the cord. Then the whole thing blows up in your face.

The parrot is a rowdy, territorial character who loves The Girl, likes The Dad, tolerates The Son, and hates my guts. If he found me bleeding to death on the side of the road he'd bob his head and keep walking. Then he'd turn back and poop in my eye.

He poops in his water and goes all Jackson Pollock on the rim of the dish, so no matter how careful I am I end up with bluegreenwhite parrot poop on and in between my fingers. What I could really live without is his daily tug-of-war, when he clamps his beak on the dish and pulls against me. He's a master of comedic timing, this one, and clearly in it for the cheap laugh. He waits for me to tug that little bit harder... then he lets go and snickers as his nasty toilet smoothie sloshes all over my hand and sleeve.

Our male canary is generally placid, but he takes the occasion of a water change to fling himself around the cage like there's a hungry cat in hot pursuit. Eventually he'll pause and cling - panting - to the side wall, glaring at me as his tiny heart nearly heaves out of his tiny chest. Are you seriously going to have a heart attack because I'm changing your water? Death by benevolent hydration. I'd never live it down.

Our female canary shares a corner window with him, and they beak-kiss sweetly between their cages. She spends most of the day shredding paper for a nest she doesn't build for eggs she doesn't lay. We had them together in hopes of breeding, but she lost interest before he did, and her frequent "headaches" aggravated him to the brink of #MeToo, so we separated them.

The bunnies are great. They're beautiful, soft and so cuddly you'd never guess they produce urine caustic enough to make your eyes water. After 4 years my nasal passages are burned out like a coked-up disco queen from the 70's. We keep the basement windows closed anytime there's the slightest breeze because I'm afraid the neighbors will catch a whiff and think we're running a meth lab down there.

The bunnies love fresh dandelions, so we pick a lot of them in the spring and summer. By 'we' I mean 'me.' I wear my fingers raw tearing leaves and pulling roots while the kids mostly stagger around the vacant lot moaning It's soooooooooo hot! Come oooon, Mom! We have e-NOUGH!

We have a fish, too. He's a male beta who lives alone because he's prone to attack anyone who invades his personal space. I can relate. He needs sunlight to fend off his seasonal affective disorder, but too close to a window and an algae forest blooms in his bowl overnight. That's super fun to clean. He's stunning to look at; unfortunately he knows it. He won't eat food that's been wet more than 3 seconds - so basically he's hand fed - and he requires a 25% water change precisely once a week. Get over yourself.

Remembering to buy seeds, pellets, flakes, hay, vitamins, mineral sticks, and toys.

Paying for seeds, pellets, flakes, hay, vitamins, mineral sticks, and toys.

Visits to the vet. Pet sitters for vacations. Animal antibiotics, travel cages, timed light dimmers, groomings, trimmings, walking-harnesses, and the legacy of an incomplete bunny spay.

And yet... as I left the room this morning the parrot screamed, "Love you! Love you!" with such feeling I got a little teary-eyed and thought, That makes it all worthwhile. Then I realized he was looking in the mirror.



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